Holding on

It's hard for me to realize how long it's been since I've really sat and just held my firstborn. Marleigh is 11 now and seems so much more grown up than I was at that age. I guess I get so caught up in the fact that I have "the little girls" that I forget that Marleigh is and always will be my first little girl.

Yesterday I went up to help her clean her room. Not just the normal cleaning that she claims to do when I say, "Go clean up your room." That cleaning generally results in things being shoved in drawers and in the closet and under the bed. Yesterday we actually cleaned all the hiding places and had a great purge of just-plain-junk that was hiding in all the nooks and crannies of her room.

At one point she was sitting on her bed and I was on the floor in front of her. I reached under her bed to grab something just as she bent over to grab the same thing and my fisted hand met her mouth. It was sort of comical the way it happened and so of course I let out a bit of a giggle until I saw that she was in pain. Marleigh tends to be a bit dramatic (now where on earth could she get that?!) and so at first I thought she was just mad because I was laughing. Then I realized that I really truly hurt her, hitting her right in her mouth and actually causing her lip to bleed just a bit.

As I apologized for hurting her, and held her to me rubbing her back it hit me that it's been way too long since I've had her in my arms. I can remember being a girl her age and still wanting to crawl into my own Mother's lap. Or just to sit with her on the couch while we watched Jeopardy or Wheel of Fortune. And by sitting with her I mean sitting as close to her as I could without being on her lap.

As a grown woman I like my space. Maybe it's because there always seems to be someone in this house who needs something from me. But when I'm sitting on the couch I don't necessarily want to hold someone. Or even have them sit that close to me for that matter. Sure, I'll hold Sela or Tess more often because they are smaller. But the 'big kids' don't get nearly as much snuggle time as they should.

So for some reason, as I was hugging Marleigh yesterday I just thought, "I should do this more often." There was a time when she was our only child. Everything sort of revolved around her. Then 3 more kids were thrown into the picture and she sort of took the back burner. I think I'm harder on her because she's the oldest and 'knows better' a lot of them time. But that's not very fair of me. She's still a child. My child.

Marleigh, Sela and I will be going to Colorado in a week for the wedding that Sela is to be in. I was sort of dreading the trip up until yesterday. Now I'm looking foward to spending some time with my oldest. It's all to real how quickly she's grown. I need to cherish the years we have left together and let her know how incredibly much she means to me.