I recently went to Colorado for a spring break ski trip and had the opportunity to visit my Grandmother. It's been a few years at least since I've seen her and although I knew she was suffering from dementia I don't think anything could have prepared me for her condition. Prior to my trip, there was some question about whether or not I would be able to even visit her. In speaking with my Dad one day I told him I couldn't be that close to her (in the same state) and not go visit her. He told me, "She won't even know who you are." Maybe not, but I still had to go. And in my mind I thought that surely she would recognize me. Surely there was something I could say to her that would cause her to have some sort of memory of me.
Grandma Hein was born on February 21, 1914. She and Grandpa lived on "the farm" in Colorado and after my parents divorced I spent a lot of time at her house. Not nearly as much as my little sister Emily did since she wasn't in school but Grandma and Grandpa were local babysitters for us when we lived in Loveland with my Dad. I remember her always working hard in her garden. She grew and canned everything imaginable. Some of my favorites were her raspberries and cucumbers. String beans were plentiful too and I can remember sitting on the front porch helping her clean them.
Grandma gathered eggs and milked the cows and seemed to fear nothing. Her skin was wrinkled from her time in the sun. Her thumb scarred from cutting it in the oscilating fan one night when she was trying to cool us off. Her smile, always present as far as I can remember, was sometimes toothless if you caught her too early in the day before she had a chance to put her dentures in.
When Grandpa died (I think I was about 9 or 10 then?), Grandma continued keeping up with the farm. She still made us home made noodles and chicken soup with her delicious butterballs. Macaroni and cheese, apple butter, and cinnamon rolls I taste to this day are still compared to Grandma's home made versions. Nothing ever comes close to them either. We often went to visit my Great-Grandma, where Grandma would talk with her sister and mother in fluent German while Matt and Emily and I sat and devoured fresh cinnamon rolls.
The memories have faded some but they are still there; for me at least. Grandma is now a frail 94 year old woman. It's so difficult to look at her and know that she was once such a strong woman. At our visit she did not remember who I was. There wasn't a memory I could come up with that could make her remember my name, to show some sort of spark that helped me to know she recognized me.
Instead, she sat and watched my family while I spoke to her. She commented over and over again at what "a beautiful family" I had. She may not have known us but she was happy to have us there. And the biggest heart break came when it was time to go. Looking at my children, her Great-Grandchildren, she started crying and said, "They grow up so fast. And then they're gone." She said she wished we didn't have to leave and then she broke down and looked into my face with her kind blue eyes and asked, "Do you really have to leave?"
It was a truly heart-breaking afternoon. When I asked my father if she still spoke in German sometimes he turned and asked her if she remembered anything in her first language. She thought for just a second and then said, "Ich will nach hause gehen". I asked her what that meant and through her tears she said, "I want to go home." As hard as it will be when the Lord takes her from this world, I know she will be at peace and will truly be Home.
6 comments:
Oh, Margo. What a sweet entry. Funny how some of the things you remember are identical to my memories, and some are completely different. I don't remember ever having her mac and cheese - but banana cream pie and "Heavenly Hash" always come to mind. And, what I remember about visiting Great Grandma was all the kittens that she had - and the frozen, homemade doughnuts!
I was just talking to a coworker today about Grandma and that she spoke German with her mother and sister. I remember her teaching me a word or phrase here and there. It's so poignant that the words she chose when asked were those... I feel the same - though I hate to lose her, I so desparately want to see her going home.
What a beautiful tribute and wonderful memories you have of your grandma. I saw your pictures at flickr too....she has such kind blue eyes. I think you'll always be glad you had this time with her.
Margo, this was a beautiful post. Your words, your pictures, all beautiful. I cried and cried. My grandmother has alzheimer's and one of the hardest parts about moving to Omaha was the idea of going home for a visit and her not remembering me or my family.
Your in my thoughts and prayers.
Emily, that's right...they were doughnuts at Great-Grandma's house! Not the rolls, I totally forgot that! But um, I have no recollection of this "heavenly hash". I think you're making that one up!
Jana and Ame, thanks for your comments. ;)
What?? You don't remember the Heavenly Hash?? Matt used to always make fun of it... it's the ice cream flavor she always bought... sort of a better pecan flavor, I think... Anyway, it always made Matt giggle when she'd say, "who wants some Heavenly Hash?"
wow, what a wonderful story about someone that you hold so dear...print is and store it away so that you can keep her with you forever. Grandparents area great treasures.
(you added my on flickr, and I was just checking you out before I added you. I always screen my contacts.)
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